Cracked

I spit a splat of saliva with gob of phlegm on the sidewalk full of cigarette butts then I took on the last puff of my cigarette; I finished it until the burning touched the filter and it was hot in my lips. I coughed and spit again on that sidewalk. “I’m done” I heard my friend Andy; he noted he’s finished eating lunch. We ate roasted spareribs and sisig, a native dish made from the pork’s jowl area and sizzled until golden brown and ready to be eaten. I must say we were full; each of us had two cups of rice. I finished earlier than him eating that’s why I was smoking in that sidewalk with cracked pavements. My friend does not smoke cigarettes.

We went on, walking on the sidewalk, straight forward, then the end of the sidewalk. We were on a private area, an abandoned building on a rural-like area, a mini forest beside our school. Andy took his wallet from his pants back pocket; the joint was in the wallet, safely held by the middle of the wallet, the point where you fold the wallet. He lighted a match and lit up the joint, it was a bad burn which implies a bad roll but we basically fixed the bad burn and smoked it all up then we entered school. As we entered the school I asked him, why are we taking lunch first, should we smoke first then eat afterwards. He stared for a moment, and then burst to uncontrollable laughter. So did I.

That was me when I was in high school, pretty much a stereo-type nowadays. Now I’m about to finish college. Well a little background first, I first smoked pot before smoking cigarettes and drinking liquor and I stopped smoking pot in college but I drank and smoked cigarettes a lot, the typical college guy.

One night I received a call, it was my best friend Andy. He was talking gibberish but crying. I told him, “call me tomorrow, you’re drunk” then I hang up the phone. Then I felt something weird, the feeling of that you have a premonition. I was scared and confused for I have known all this time that Andy was addicted to heroin. Since my first years in college, I warned him to stop it but I think the addiction gets stronger and stronger for him, maybe. So, I called a friend to check him in his condominium. I can feel my heart throbbing, “Oh God. Please guide him” I prayed.

After 28 minutes of shaking because of anxiety, the phone rang. I paused for a second, took a deep breath and grabbed the phone as fast as I can. It was the friend I asked helped, “I’m taking him to the hospital. He’s not in good shape.” I thanked my friend and then stopped for a moment. I was sad and happy at the same time, sad because my friend was in trouble and happy because I did not go to sleep and thinking he was drunk only. I went to sleep; I can feel I’m tired. I closed my eyes then I was asleep.

In my sleep I dreamt of my high school life, and it feels like it is all that I can remember. Those times when it kept repeating on my dream that I am able and healthy and it was strange that I wanted to wake up from this dream, this dream I know that is not a nightmare.

I woke up all sweaty, there’s something strange. I can’t explain why my room was all messed up. The walls were filled with psychedelic artworks and posters, the tables were filled with injections, foils, bongs and dime bags. It was like all around my sight there was color with dullness and in the table were neutral sight. I was so skinny, it’s like my skin is very near my bones. Suddenly something snuggled me and grabbed my dick. I blurted, I took the blanket and searched for that something. It was naked girl, I don’t know who she was, and I can feel my world revolving because of mass confusion. Oh fuck, she sucks my cock now. It was good, no question about that but the feeling of confusion was still of great effect on me. I took her head away from my dick and ask who she was. She just explained her name was not important, well she’s a hooker I guess. “Can you please leave now? How much do I pay you?” “The heroin” she smiled while pointing at the side drawer of the bed. I suddenly felt chills in my spine, I can feel the world stopping, and I was dazed, blacked out and hoping this was a bad dream.

I woke up again, I looked at my hands, still skinny, the place was the same but the girl was not there. I screamed, I shouted, I ran, I kicked, I destroyed, I was basically outrageous by the instances and moments that crawled upon me then a ring. “Hello?” “John!” “Oh my God. Andy! Help me please, I don’t know what’s happening to me.” “John, you called last night, I was worried I sent Amy over to look out for you but I guess you two had a good time, huh?” Andy was laughing. “FUCK! What’s happening to me Andy, why am I skinny, why is my place messed up?” I shouted due to irritation, the irritation when you don’t know something but you badly need to know it. “John, I’m coming over. You just stay put there and stop the heroin.” He hangs up. It was the second time I heard “heroin”, from that girl Amy and from my best friend, Andy, who I knew uses heroin as well. It was muddy waters for me.

I walk around my room, I come to sight a spoon, lighter, injection and a dime bag of heroin. I can feel those materials pulling me, I tried to control but I took the spoon and pour heroin in the spoon, I flamed the spoon using the lighter. The powder now turning to liquid, I can smell the smoke. Then a knock took place. I stayed put, steady on what I’m doing then the door opened, it was Andy.

Andy rushed towards me and took the spoon, throws it away. He scolded me; I was perplexed, “What is this?” I asked myself. “You need to detoxify and I’ll put you on rehab, you went far in your addiction John, I’m scared to what will happen to you.” Andy’s words cut my heart. “What are you talking about Andy, I’m not an addict. You know that, you are the crack addict.” I said. “John, your hallucination is getting the worst of you, look in the mirror.” I went to see myself in the mirror. There was me in a clear reflection, a half-naked me with only boxers on. My face was so messed up, long messy hair, red with a pint of purple eyes sagging deeply, swollen cheeks, I could almost see my collar-bone coming out, my chest, arms, feet, legs were ultimately skeletal. It was like I haven’t eaten or sleep for months or maybe years. I was scared, so scared that I blasted in tears.

Andy comforted me and he called a hospital, I knew he wanted me safe and back to normal. I must say, I’m still confused, I can’t believe I was the one addicted to drugs, it was like I have bipolar disorder, I don’t know who I am anymore. Andy was dialling the hospital, a mental hospital maybe. Then my sight become dark, I took the spoon with little drops of heroin and put the liquefy heroin in the injection. Andy saw me, he was about to take away my injection. The world became dark for me, I can see the devil, the injection slowly transforms into a knife, it was hell, and I was frightened. The devil comes to me slowly, laughing, those vicious eyes and menacing face, it wrestled with me, trying to take away my knife, still he was laughing. I fought back and stab my knife straight to his neck. Its bloodcurdling face slowly fades into a human being, it was Andy. I cried. I can see the injection in his neck. I quickly took out the injection, the injection was pulling me, it was like a magnet to my arm, and then I quickly fought the strong pull of the magnet.

My one arm is wanting the heroin, the other was fighting to not have it. The fighting arm quickly found a real knife in the table. My arm slit my throat but I know it was me; I must stop this right now. I fell in the ground.

I let go of the injection and it fell side by side with me and there it was. I could see the injection, cracked.